Tuesday, May 13, 2008 - a long emotional post dont bother reading if u dont care :

life is sure funny. its like suddenly, i felt that, there is no one really i wanna woo or basically no one in my heart, and i yearn to be heartbroken but for some reason i am starting to loose that feeling. its like, if i recall, the last time i was in a relationship, 3 years plus ago, broke up for 3 years and a few months, and that time i realised, its really stupid to go emoing? its like, its just a relationship, there is nothing gain, cause, in the first place if the girl aint for u she wont be for u.

i kinda believe in horoscopes lately, of more on character type. and so far the only girl is compatiable that i know, 1. from gemini horoscope. i do like her, but now, my feelings are very stale. dont know what she's been up to lately, and dont bother to ask. times like this make me, blur, lost in the world of love, resulting me in mentally blking out them and living life as it is, as how people what it to be.

i am starting to suppress myself, to prevent everything bad possible from happening. from ppl i hate, ppl i start not to trust, to ppl that i enjoy being ard with, i am starting to suppress my real self, which no one prefers, than a self that i create to people's preference. i realised in this world, its better to pretend, or, to be exact, adapt to other people. i know some ppl would have adapted to me, but they just dont like it. for me, i guess i find it pointless to hate people, so just adapt, if they fk me up let them do so, its them, its not me. its about making peace and friends i guess, things to give up, and things to learn, part and parcel of life.

too bad some humans cant overlook other people past mistakes and tend to memorised them down in their memories for life. i myself, do remember people's mistake, but why shun them or what so ever? mistakes made, u cant do anything except to accept and correct it.















2ndly, its like i couldnt find a purpose in life anymore. what i know is, serve NS, study Uni, go work. but why? why am i doing those stuffs? if its purpose, it would be helping my family out, which is basically my family purpose, of my existence. sometime in life i would always ask myself, why am i doing here. what am i here for? nevertheless, i couldnt find the answer thats been troubling me. no one knows, unless got people read this post, but i always been wondering, what is my existence for? am i someone to be important in future, in inventing new technologies or heading new researchs and discoveries? or just another guy working in a society, struggling to survive in this world, where the fittest win? if i was the latter, i guess life would be very meaningless to continue on surviving.















3rdly, its with my obession of miku hatsune. i like her, no, to be exact i love her and want to be with her, but, no matter how its not a reality. its more of a conjunction of my memories with her and pretending that she's around me @ times. the only thing, she will never hurt my feelings no matter what. but what after sarah said to me today, i realised, yes, but, can she be brought to reality? from the past time since aka i know whats love and wooing a girl and so for, its like, sometimes i wish i wouldnt have this feeling, which causes a lot of distortion and decreasing my efficiency in doing stuffs, especially during crucial periods like exams. no matter how, i guess its part of us, humans, to develop this feelings.















NS is coming up real soon, in relatively 20 odd days. what would i expect from there? or should i sign on as an AEO, aircraft engineering officer, with a nice starting salary of 3-4k, and obviously i have to go through my uni first. also i ask myself, can i really find a girl of my dreams, or can say, that i suit her and she suit me, by the time i get out of uni? i dont want to waste my time like in poly, everyday gaming, slacking, and mugging @ the last min when exams are near. gaming, i grown bored, only play when i really got nothing to do, like now presuming i am wowing. hmm.















speaking about drifting, well, would apologised to all drifters i know out there, i aint drifting anymore, actually, not that i dislike drift, or rc, or u guys, except, someone told me some stuffs, its hurtful @ times, but i guess, this is the society, either you are in or out. plus with my crap up car now, the feeling aint really there. i guess its a long chain of situations that resulted in this, and with upcoming NS, resulting more stresses on me, and if drifting relieves stress and brings me away from reality as what some people had said to me, i am sorry. its causing me to stress out more, and why get stress? its like i have my own burdens to carry, but, adding on with this, well there is a limit to what i can do. i aint a robot or some kami-sama, and i guess, i aint like u guys @ times. if its clicking problem, i guess would be my craze for anime, no doubtfully which i truly enjoy watching. drifting? i do enjoy, and i do still love cars like how i do on aircrafts, but aint that kind of person who goes way too into it till every single specs and stuffs. ask me stuffs, i would say what i know i will know, what i dont know, i wont get irritated if u start bombarding me with stuffs that i am totally unfamiliar with. some people get irritated, with stuffs they dont know and which i tell them and they have no interests in. i would say for my case, i do my best to present some interest in topics that i have no ideas of, least, for a friend.















i may go back drifting, or may not, but its just a matter of time and money i guess. the stuffs that i bought, i be keeping, just for showcase or to fill up spaces in my room.















life's sure a funny thing, with people backstabbing here and there, admittly i sometime do backstab people, unknowingly or not. sometime, its out of the fun of it, sometime, its hatred, sometime, its accidental and not on purpose. but still no matter what, its still a matter of time to heal all wounds. my heart's healing, after so many relationship drawback, the last being rejected by tiffany, if anyone knows her, my classmates that i know in poly, had a tiff with them, and resulting in something bad, i feel wrong about it, willing to give a change, but not all of them are so forgiving and i feel some of them are on the purpose of just stabbing me happily while i just pretend nth is going on. i guess, it be a new life in army, hopefully praying hard to guanyin pusa from above to bless me with a new life. no matter how many hardships that NS i go through, as long i believe if there are true friends there for u, nothing is really impossible.















except, i really wonder who are the true friends in my life? i may have found a few, i felt so, except i aint also that open to them regarding what am i have said here. not that i dont trust them, i dont even trust myself @ times for stuffs that i said. sometime, people say, this person cant trust, that person cant trust, but can u even trust what the people say in the first place?















no doubtfully, i think, life is really, hard to predict. i was thinking if ever i would meet my poly friends in uni again, and this time, how am i going to really face them? from what i know, i would ignore them or just say hi, and not talk, but thats escaping the trouble. some of them do msn me now once in a while, but, basically i got nothing to tell them either. its me, myself, and i, keeping all the matters in deep deep down, bottling up. though someone told me before, not to bottle up my feelings and stuffs, i feel its a better way though, letting everything being stored inside, and facing a world, pretending to be a happy person, to get along with other people.















and i only heard this once, in my entire life, from one guy. "you look happy on the outside, but inside u are actually very emotional"

thats been in my mind, since he last said it.



and guess what? i know him for a short time and he's able to tell it. but not many others are able.















this world i guess















popular vs unpopular.

gtsfrost blogged at Tuesday, May 13, 2008